Some reflections/rambles of the past year

Happy New Year to my two remaining readers! Actually, it has been weeks since I've checked my spy meter, posted anything on this blog or visited some of the blogs I used to regularly visit, so for all I know, maybe no one reads this anymore, in which case I can make all sorts of private confessions, call people all sorts of names, etc. Though I'd be seriously amazed if anyone stops by anymore, given the infrequency with which I have been posting the last few months. Or if I'm still on anyone's blog roll.

The last 3-4 months of this otherwise good year have been absolutely nuts (hence my long posting hiatus). The classes I was taking to prep for despotic regime studies completely wiped me out. Then there were the applications to despotic regime programs. And then just when I thought things couldn't get any worse or busier--some dunderhead rammed my car into my garage and added another headache and hassle on to my already-full plate of things to deal with.

So to be totally honest, at a time of the year when everyone is usually warm and fuzzy and happy, I have been a) miserable b)really annoyed, bordering on angry (at the idiot who robbed me of my much-needed and deserved vacation and made me miss the chance to spend time with my family and ailing grandfather), c)frustrated, d)wiped out, and just very negative overall, which is another reason I haven't been posting. Why post and quash other people's holiday spirit?

But that was 2008.

I'm hopeful for a much better 2009.

So far, it has started off on a good note. I had a lovely dinner party with friends to ring in the new year, which almost made up for not getting to see my family. I spent Christmas with one of my dearest friends and spent the past few days catching up with people I haven't talked to in months (or in some cases, years). I caught up with my childhood friend Oh-boe, and "cooked" more these past few days than I did the past four months.

Classes start up again tomorrow, so I'm bracing myself for the concomitant craziness, but the one (actually, two) thing that is finally off my plate is applications to despotic regime programs. I also finally have a functional car again. I'm trying not to think about all of the rules I broke and all of the stupidity and time (not to mention more of my savings than I originally planned) that went into buying this car that I'm only lukewarm about. Perhaps The Saga of My Car is fodder for another post, but ah yes, I was talking about trying to start the new year on a positive note. . ..

But before that, some reflections of the past year.

I did not go to a single foreign country in 2008 (a troubling revelation that I will try not to dwell on, lest I start harboring ill will towards The Idiot That Ruined My Vacation Plans and Totaled My Car) or read nearly as many books as I had intended, but there were two significant things I discovered/did in 2008.

The first is my decision to apply to despotic regime programs. Ok, whoopty doo. I realize that that in itself is not much, but it's more what it symbolizes--flux and new possibilities. I still have lots of apprehensions about this and the prospect of change it might bring about--a prospect I find both exhilarating and nerve-wracking--but I finally took the step to transform this from an abstract goal to a tangible reality. I'm on a trajectory to somewhere and something, which is a good thing. As frustrating as these past four months have been, I need to remind myself that I chose to do this. On a relative scale, four months of suffering and hardly seeing friends is a small sacrifice, if it leads to something better in the long run. (Here's hoping)

And isn't that what we're always striving for?--bettering ourselves, our lives? Finding that elusive thing that will make us happy with a capital "H"? I wish I could be happy just doing what I currently do at my (sort of) sinecure and finding other means of satisfaction via people and pursuing hobbies and reading books--and for a while I fooled myself into thinking that this is possible. I joined a choir that was challenging and fulfilling in many ways; I got introduced to a wonderful world of contemporary music and met some lovely people. . .but choir also sucked up all of my spare time, which diverted my attention from pondering The Big Life Question. Trying to figure out how to find an answer to this is what 2008 has been about.

No answers, alas, but some things I seek of myself: 1. I want to be in a different place (mentally) when I'm 40 (oh wait. I'm already 40. 45, then). I'm not sure if this is what Yv and Sage Broccoli term being "vibrantly alive", but at the very least, I don't want to feel like I'm in a rut. Perhaps I'm confounding Heraclitean flux with progress, but something always needs to be moving forward, somehow. 2. I need better balance between the various "spheres"--i.e. work, private life, friends, family, etc.--that occupy my life. Some people can fill a void in one lackluster area by focusing on the other areas, but I discovered that I'm not one of those people. I can have a great private life, family situation and fabulous friends, but this doesn't quite make up for deficiencies in other areas. The question is what to do about this. I'm not sure if despotic regimes is the answer, but now I wait and see, I guess.

Second, 2008 was a good year of discovering and rediscovering new (and old) connections. I blame Sage Broccoli for 40 percent of this. Through her, I discovered several lovely, witty, entertaining, and sensual blogs, and then friended some of the real live personas behind these anonymous internet ramblings and have subsequently gotten to know some of you via emails, comments we leave behind on each other's turf or status updates, etc. If you are such a person, know that you are part of my "highlights of 2008". I've also met some wonderful strangers both on this blog and in other parts of the blogosphere and on Facebook. Yes, Facebook. As much as I pooh pooh the touch-and-go superficiality that FB seems to foster, I have met some interesting people on it and have reconnected with people I haven't talked to or thought about in years. So here's to a year of discovering wonderful strange people (some of who might read this blog).

Last, but not least, (and still part of my discovering connections point, actually) I have wonderful friends. Usually, friendship is some sort of give and take relationship, but this past semester, I did very little "giving" and lots of "taking". Despite this lopsided relationship where my friends got essentially nothing out of me, they continued to feed me, check in on me from both near and afar, invite me to celebrate holidays with them, offer me math help, invite me over for dinners and various other things.

So here's to a better 2009 and to a year of forging new paths, connecting with old and new friends, discovering more great blogs, eating good food, and (I hope) more opportunities to listen to and discover music. A year of change, as someone put it.

It's getting late, so I shall post "My goals and aspirations for 2009" in another post. (Maybe in February.) Good night, my lovelies (my two remaining readers, that is).