It wasn't always like this. But I made the mistake of speaking my mind.
I don't always do this, but every so often, either my friends irk me to the point of my needing to express annoyance, or a series of unfortunate combination of events lead me to be sensitive about things that alone wouldn't ordinarily bother me.
So in this particular case, this "friend" kept on forwarding me annoying emails. I really dislike excessive forwards. The list of 101 ways to annoy your roommate really stopped being funny after the 10th person sent it to me during freshman year in college. (I also hate when I have to ask for something more than three times.) Plus, all too often, I find that people use this as a substitute way of seeming to keep in touch, instead of taking the time to occasionally write me an actual email with substance.
I asked her once to not send me every single forward she got. And when I say forwards, I don't mean getting a joke or something silly every now and then. I forward these too. No, it was more like getting inane jokes several times a day. The first time, I used the tactic of nonchalance. (Hey, no big deal, but please XYZ.) She stopped for a while, and then resumed. I asked a second time. This time, I used humor. And then another time. (This time, I asked directly.) When it still didn't stop, I think I sent her a sarcastic email about the kinds of forwards I really don't like to receive. It was right after she or another mutual friend had sent me the forward about if you send this email to all ten billion of your friends, Bill Gates will give you two thousand dollars.
Not to sound disdainful, but in addition to being already annoyed about my multiple ignored pleas, I think I was more annoyed that someone would be stupid enough to send me a forward about Bill Gates doling out $2000 to people. Did people not take Econ 101 in college?
Anyway, the outcome of this was that my friend-- a friend of over 12 years at the time--got extremely annoyed. Fine. Understandable. Even though I was kind of miffed at having to ask her more than three or four times. I let her have her own space, though every so often, I'd check back in to see if she was still mad at me.
But what I didn't--and still don't--understand was that long after I tried to re-patch our relationship, resume our normal course of friendship and move past this silly episode, she continued to harbor a grudge. Things were never quite the same after that.
Maybe it was my stupidity for speaking my mind-- but a)she annoyed me past the point where I could keep quiet about it, and b)I was kindof banking on the fact that we had been friends for such a long time--half of our then-lifetime, to be exact--that if our friendship was actually significant to her (as it was to me) we'd eventually get over this. I certainly did, after a week or two. Also, c) siblings and family members fight all of the time, but then at some point, it's a given that you make up. Furthermore, d) she is allegedly a practicing Roman Catholic, and they're supposed to be into the whole forgiveness thing. So for all of these reasons, I was expecting to "resume" our status quo friendship after I let her fume for a bit. Well, it turns out that I overestimated the bonds of our then-twelve-year friendship. Also, it takes two people to make up, so no matter how willing I may be to move past this, it's really not possible if she's not willing, and she wasn't.
It's not that she ever explicitly stated this, but she slowly stopped responding to my emails. No matter how hard I tried to resume our pre-confrontation status, she was oddly distant. And every once in a while (even as recently as a year ago), she'd send me an email, and then preface it with an emotionally laden, "I know you *HATE* forwards, but I thought I'd send this along since . . .." Talk about baggage. It's been about ten years since we've had our altercation. Although I might tend to have a short fuse, I don't like expending energy to stay mad at people or hold grudges for that long a period. So I really don't understand people who harbor such strong feelings for years. (And I'm not even a regularly churchgoing Catholic like she is.)
We never resumed the several-times-a-week emails. Getting her to call me back when I called her or reply to my emails was like pulling teeth. When we did talk, although she pretended to be happy to hear from me and we'd "catch up", the conversation was strained and superficial. The birthday cards that used to come religiously on my birthday were at first, just tardy, and then eventually stopped coming altogether. She'd always email a week later to wish me a happy birthday, and then apologize for not sending a card because of xyz reason, but when someone has been sending you birthday cards on your birthday since you were twelve, it's simply not the same.
So fast forward about ten years, and we've gone from emailing each other several times a week to this odd situation where we go for nearly a year without talking/emailing, and then she calls me out of the blue to tell me that she's "gotten engaged!" and "We have a lot to catch up on!!" And I'm supposed to eagerly call her back and squeal with excitement as if we're blood sisters.
Except that when I got her message, it felt more like a vague stranger telling me that she had gotten engaged.
The problem with friends is that whereas with family, it's usually a given that you'll eventually make up--perhaps because circumstances necessitate it--you just don't know how friends will react to bumps in the road, such as a confrontation. Take this friend. She seemed like the easygoing type, and for 12 years, there were no rocks or bumps in our friendship. But our "friendship" as I see it ended up not surviving our first (and only) "bump".
And thus, it's been relegated to a "Hallmark" status relationship where we update each other on major news-- engagements, marriages, babies. This is the kind of "friendship" that I have difficulty maintaining, because I don't like superficiality and don't like being fake. I'm simply a lousy actor.
I'd rather be in-your-face and direct than be polite and fake, but it seems that sometimes, even the best of your friends really can't take direct. (And then you resort to blogging about it.) But then, what kind of a friendship is that when one can't be direct about one's feelings without it affecting the friendship in the long run?
Am I expecting too much of a friendship to expect that a good one (as this one was) will be solid enough to overcome an occasional altercation/confrontation/moment of tension? It's not like I confront people on a weekly, monthy, even annual basis.
If I can't make the occasional "you've irked me"' statement to my friends without it adversely affecting our relationship, then perhaps it's no wonder that our president's definition of diplomacy is to engage in conversation with only those nations that he doesn't find contentious or he is not currently irked at.
Hallmark diplomacy. . ..
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